Are You Codependent? 10 Questions to Ask Yourself
It is not even the erosion; instead, it is the not building of self, so a double loss is occurring. For me to not lose self I need to care about you not for you. I lose my voice. I look to you to define me, to direct me, to approve of me, to fix me and, lose more and more of me until I feel empty. It is not about individual or relationship building. What develops is the false self and that is codependency. I start to live the external life instead of the internal life. In losing my capability, I lose me. I become outer-directed and not inner-directed and by instance the space inside becomes less and less. When I focus on getting your approval, I lose approval of self, which is the ability that self-esteem gives me. I lose me.
In addition, I further add, anything that contributes to your loss of self is codependency." It is as simple as that!Many years ago at one of my first lectures on codependency, I heard a well-known speaker say, Codependency kills. I sat in the audience and thought, what is she talking about, of course it cant kill you, how can you die from codependency? I need to feel with you not for you. However, by the last several years, I have come to believe that statement Codependency kills and, everyday I believe it more.Loss of self occurs when I need your approval and lose the opportunity to think my thoughts and to feel my feelings. The individual does learn what he or she needs, wants, feels and the struggle of discovery is absent. An I is needed for a We to exist.
Loss of self invents a victim mentality. However, by the last several years, I have come to believe that statement Codependency kills and, everyday I believe it more.Loss of self occurs when I need your approval and lose the opportunity to think my thoughts and to feel my feelings. It is a no-win dynamic. I am responsible for me and to you and, you are responsible for you and to me. One can understand why! You are responsible for feeling your own feelings not me. Loss of self occurs as we have just described and it is destructive to self and to others. When I focus on getting your approval, I lose approval of self, which is the potential that self-esteem gives me. Smith
What is codependency I am often asked. The wounded child and critical parent are present and the adult ego state has yet to be built.
Loss of self affects the family members and friends of the codependent. I lose my voice. I cannot give up me and think there can be a we. Smith, PhD, LMFT is a psychotherapist.
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Codependency or codependent behavior is often found in relationships involving an active alcoholic or addict. In losing my potential, I lose me. It is a lifetime of guessing what somebody else needs and wants and by duration, the codependent forgets who he or she is. After years of being asked that question, I now simply reply,
Codependency is Loss of Self. You miss the journey. I feel less than and my self-esteem is diminished. whether we can do that in relationship than both of us have the opportunity to mature and to develop a sense of self.
Loss of self occurs when I say no when I mean, yes and when I say, yes when I mean no. What better way to do that than to pair up with one who will do so in the extreme? A chemically dependent person wants to continue to use. whether after reading that editorial, you see yourself as codependent thereupon reach out for help.
Linda M. I sat in the audience and thought, what is she talking about, of course it cant kill you, how can you
die from codependency? My job is to care about me. Codependent relationship dynamics create and foster dependency for both individuals. I become outer-directed and not inner-directed and by instance the space inside becomes less and less. Codependency kills. Of course, that sounds confusing and the codependent often does feel confused, indecisive, and rattled. Do I practice emotional detachment with you?
Do I feel and act like a victim in relationships?
Do I have low self-esteem?
Do I repress feelings and have a wall of denial around me and in my relationships?
Codependency is real. I need to be responsible to you as my parent, spouse, child, or friend, not be responsible for you. The pairing of a chemically dependent person with a codependent person leads to a self-reinforcing dysfunctional relationship that progressively gets worse. I start to live the external life instead of the internal life. What develops is the false self and that is codependency. Though not precisely the same a codpendent person can become an enabler in the continuance of chemical dependency in the relationship.The following essay by Linda Smith is one of the best introductory articles on codependency I have seen. Bill Urell, Editor
Codependency
By Linda M. However, by the last several years, I have come to believe that statement Codependency kills and, everyday I believe it more.
In addition, I further add, anything that contributes to your loss of self is codependency." It is as simple as that!Many years ago at one of my first lectures on codependency, I heard a well-known speaker say, Codependency kills. Codependent thinking is whether I do not see it, acknowledge it, believe it, soon after it does not exist.
- Are you codependent?
- Do you have loss of self?
- Do I care for you instead of about you?
- Do I own responsibility for you and not to you?
- Do I need your approval and do not know my own mind?
- Do I think for you and do not know my own thoughts?
- Do I have appropriate emotional boundaries with you?
Linda M. I sat in the audience and thought, what is she talking about, of course it cant kill you, how can you
In addition, I further add, anything that contributes to your loss of self is codependency." It is as simple as that!
Many years ago at one of my first lectures on codependency, I heard a well-known speaker say, Codependency kills. Smith, PhD, LMFT
Article to follow on Healing Codependency
Linda M. A victim who cannot see how he or she has built his or her own prison. I sat in the audience and thought, what is she talking about, of course it cant kill you, how can you die from codependency? A closing thought is when there is not sufficient of me for me, surely there cannot be suitable of me to share with you. I look to you to define me, to direct me, to approve of me, to fix me and, lose more and more of me until I feel empty. Reinforced codependent behaviors do not serve me well, nor do they serve others well. Codependency is loss of self. Oftentimes, the codependent moves from one crisis to the next and others suffer. The sense of self is not developed. Denial is a core symptom for the loss of self. It exists within self and within relationships. Gradually, initially however, bit by bit, little by little, year by year, the erosion occurs. Giving out and not putting in is a poor investment whether it is about finances or relationships.
Loss of self is learned helplessness. Denial, anger, shame, guilt, passivity, fear, and sadness and oftentimes depression, are the bars of that prison. I feel less than and my self-esteem is diminished. I lose me.Loss of self occurs when I am focused on fixing, helping, understanding, caretaking you and not on caring about me.
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